How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 265 (or Temporal agents and the displacement fields they rode in on…)
While discussing your thoughts on the Spierig brothers’ time travel film Predestination, starring Ethan Hawke, you talked about how it was not quite the “temporal policeman catching criminals” film the trailer made it out to be, due to headache-inducing plot twists you predicted 45 minutes prior to their revelation in the film.
You also repeatedly expressed a determination toward finding and reading the Robert Heinlein story “All You Zombies” upon which the film is based, in order to verify the origin of the aforementioned twists.
To which your significant other replied, “So essentially, you were hoping for a feature length version of Time Trax?”
“Would that have been too much to ask?” you responded, adding, “It’s not like I was expecting a Timecop remake. At least Time Trax had some panache… and an artificial intelligence computer assistant disguised as a credit card.”
Your favorite gift received during the holiday season involved DVDs of Time Trax, a 1990s television series about a time traveling lawman, which you hadn’t seen in twenty years.
You recently saw the film Pompeii, which you enjoyed mostly because of Kiefer Sutherland’s performance as a villainous Roman senator.
However, you kept getting distracted each time he appeared in a scene because you were consumed by the following thought as the trailer below played in a loop inside your mind’s eye:
“Jack Bauer is coming back… Jack Bauer is coming back…”
You have recently begun using the interactive recommendation program called “Max” on your Netflix streaming account, which suggests titles to watch by way of a programmed series of pithy voice-over prompts, saying things like, “I think you’ll really like this one,” or “Do you trust me?”
However, your interactions with this program have been frustrating, and have caused a few strange looks from those who have entered the room in time to hear you yelling things at your television, not unlike the following:
“Way to go genius! Why in the hell would I want to watch that person’s second stand-up comedy special since I just selected ‘Not Interested’ when you suggested his first stand-up special five seconds ago?”
You’re childhood enjoyment of the Captain Planet cartoon series lends itself to a surprising appreciation for the four-part Funny or Die comedic saga in which Don Cheadle portrays a rather insane Captain Planet.
Click on the links below to behold, what I like to call, The Downfall of Captain Planet…
A group of people you don’t know are conversing nearby, as you exit a building. You clearly overhear the phrase “lamb’s blood.” Though you are a bit alarmed at this phrase, and have no idea of the actual context of the conversation, part of you would find it amusing to approach them and interject the following:
“Excuse me, but you aren’t planning on killing a djinn by chance, are you? I only ask because in order to destroy that particular supernatural creature, the lamb’s blood needs to already be on the dagger or it won’t work. Also, it’s a good idea to have backup on hand as the touch of a djinn can render you incapacitated via psychic attack as it feeds off of your life-force.”
Having recently discovered this interview segment with Oscar-winning director Danny Boyle, on the “Pixarification” of today’s film industry (by which he means a trend toward appealing to “family friendly” audiences at the expense of the visceral, thought-provoking, grown-up movies of the 1970s). I thought I’d share his thoughts with you, my avid readers. What are your thoughts on the points sai Boyle brings up? Does his new film, Trance, meet his intended goals?
How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 245 (or “Is that a terrifying, classic film villain on your TV screen, or are you just happy to see me?”)
The thought occurs to you that if your younger self from twenty years ago were suddenly transported in time to the present, the world would seem very both fascinating and a bit scary, just based on the fact that you have a digital video recorder that allows you to record high definition versions of television programs without a VCR, which you can use to fast forward commercials.
Furthermore, two of the television shows on your DVR are centered around terrifying film villains Norman Bates and Hannibal Lecter, the latter being broadcast on a major television network, which bewilders your younger self even as it confounds your present self, considering that people once found shows like Married With Children and The Simpsons edgy and controversial.
How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 243 (or Intergalactic gladiatorial arenas and personal dream sequences)
You recently had a dream that you accidentally traveled through an Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky bridge (also known as an Einstein-Rosen bridge or “wormhole”) connecting two points in space-time.
Upon arriving at the wormhole’s other end, you find yourself held captive by a group of aliens from the Predator film franchise, who force you to fight in an intergalactic gladiatorial arena alongside fellow captives Lieutenant Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Chicago-area wizard and private detective Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden from The Dresden Files novels.
Throughout the remainder of the dream, you embark on a journey of survival with these characters in which you repeatedly attempt to get a letter of recommendation from Data endorsing your application to Starfleet Academy, as well as secure a wizard’s apprenticeship with Dresden.
Someone interrupts you while you are watching Vikings on the History Channel, saying, “For a second, it looked like you were watching Sons of Anarchy,” to which you reply:
“Actually, one could say that Norse Vikings were the Medieval equivalent of biker gangs… awesome beards and hair included.”
*Yes, I know, two consecutive Vikings posts. I couldn’t resist. I cry your pardon… a little.*
You have become so enthusiastic about the History Channel’s new scripted historical drama, Vikings, that you have decided that any second dog you get in the future will be named “Ragnar Lothbrok” after the show’s main character. You find it amusing and cool to treat this full Viking name as a first name for a pet, as you want to one day routinely say:
(1) “Come here Ragnar Lothbrok.” (2) “Where are you Ragnar Lothbrok?” (3) “Ragnar Lothbrok, it’s time for a walk.” (4) “Ragnar Lothbrok doesn’t like that cat who keeps coming around. He keeps growling at it.”
Recently, when asked what television shows you are following you had to break it down by country, as you watch shows from: America, Great Britain, Australia, Canada, and France.
The J. J. Abrams television series Fringe recently ended its five-year run on FOX, leaving an empty space in the world of nerds that was once filled with alternate universes, Red Vines, bald mystery men, and “show-me” cards. As a tribute, we thought it appropriate to show a couple of YouTube videos that pay homage to the show, and its most unique character, Dr. Walter Bishop, portrayed by John Noble.
This compilation highlights many funny Walter Bishop moments up to 2010. If you have yet to see the show, this video will give you a taste of some rather great moments for which to anticipate.
This is a rather sentimental tribute video to the show's journey, but Fringe deserve some sentiment… it was a truly solid television series.
How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 222 (or “Live from New York, Louie C.K. will be bringing the funny!”)
You were so excited to find out that comedian (and genius) Louis C.K. is hosting the November 3 broadcast of Saturday Night Live that you actually marked it down in your smartphone calendar so that you would not forget about it.
A friend of yours showed you an [adult swim] “mockumentary” of a shot-for-shot “remake” of the opening credit sequence of the 1980s detective television series Simon & Simon, about two brothers who run a detective agency. The original series (which you remember fondly from childhood) starred Gerald MacRaney and Jameson Parker. The remake starred Jon Hamm and Adam Scott, respectively, along with Paul Rudd.
Written by Paul Scheer and directed by Scott as well as Lance Bangs, upon seeing this mockumentary, you laughed aloud so hard that you started your dog… again.
To see the remake along with the original version of the credit sequence: Click here.
During your brief childhood experience as a goldfish owner, you picked out a fish that resembled the pet fish, “Abraham,” owned by Arnold Jackson (played by the late Gary Coleman) from the 1978 situation comedy Diff’rent Strokes, which you also named Abraham.
While out on a lunch break, you are so startled that you drop your smartphone when you behold a man walk past you who exactly resembles Commissioner Gordon, as he appears in Batman: The Animated Series. You then have to consciously keep yourself from yelling, “Yo, Commissioner! Where’s The Bat?”
Several years ago, you were romantically interested in someone, but were stuck in the dreaded “friend zone” for many months. The person in whom you were interested began dating someone else, who was supposedly “just like you.” In fact, it was the other person’s wish that you befriend their new significant other. You genuinely attempt to honor this wish. However, the conversation develops as follows:
OTHER PERSON: “You two really ought to be friends. You have a lot in common.”
YOU: “Really? What might that be?”
OTHER PERSON: “You like the same nerdy stuff. Take Star Trek, for instance. He’s just as much a fan as you are and he’s really astute. I can see the two of you conversing for hours.”
YOU: “Alright, ask him this question for me and we’ll see how astute he is… What does he think of the theme song to the Star Trek series called Enterprise?”
OTHER PERSON: “He loves the theme song. He thinks it’s catchy.”
YOU: “In that case, I’m afraid our Star Trek conversation has ended before it began.”
When you were a very young child, your mother asked you to pick up the mess of scattered toys in your room by saying, “Put your toys in order.”
Taking her request literally, you arranged all of your action figures in a long line on your bedroom floor according to their size and their social status in the franchise from which they originated. As such, Mumm-ra was ahead of Lion-O, followed by Panthro and Tygra, etc.
During a graduate school course in which Carl Sagan is discussed as part of the coursework, you gleefully anticipate a possible opportunity to mention your favorite Carl Sagan quote:
“If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.”