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How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 163 (or “I drink your milkshake!”)


This Memorial Day, you find yourself watching the 2007 film There Will Be Blood starring Daniel Day-Lewis.  After the final confrontation scene, you say to aloud, “I feel like drinking a milkshake.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 100


You are compiling an annotated bibliography for a graduate school course, and just as you are about to check out a stack of book from your university library, you find yourself staring at those books thinking, “Now there’s a thing of beauty.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 95


Using telekinetic powers and a mystic samurai sword, you saved the Earth, got the girl, and made friends with extraterrestrials… then your alarm clock woke you up.

In an alternate universe: Event 7


In an alternate universe, you did not find the movie trailer for the Footloose remake downright horrible, yet tragically funny because it was never made in the first place.  Instead, the money was used to produce a Broadway play of the Bill Murray/ Richard Dreyfuss comedy What About Bob?, which went on to become the highest-grossing show in Broadway history.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 92


Not only does your idea of a “fun Thursday night” consist of pizza and streaming episodes of the 1970s horror/ science fiction television series Night Gallery on HULU, but the nearly uncontrollable laughter that you experienced upon watching the segment entitled “The Nature of the Enemy” in Season 1, Episode 3, actually wakes your sleeping dog.

What could be so funny as to provoke such a response? Two words, folks: Moon mice.

That’s right…  there is an actual segment in this series in which a near-future (as of the 1970s) mission to the moon that is originally supposed to build a “moon base” for NASA, ends up requiring a rescue team to try and find them, as they have gone missing shortly after a garbled transmission claims that they were “under attack”.  The rescue team finds no signs that the original group of astronauts are still alive.  The team transmits a video feed that shows the wreckage of one of the crafts from the previous mission, as well as a huge platform structure that the “attacked” astronauts apparently constructed from the moon base materials some time after their transmission, but just as the rescue team discovers this platform, they too seem to be attacked by something.

Just after a NASA engineer makes an off-hand comment that the structure resembles a giant mousetrap, the video transmission, which is still functioning, reveals “the enemy”… a gargantuan freaking mouse on the surface of the moon.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 91


Your idea of turning to a “self-help” book is to read a Kurt Vonnegut novel, the validity of which is exemplified from the following line taken from his novel, Cat’s Cradle:

“Live by the harmless untruths that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 90


You had a dream in which you are attacked by vampires, and at the last moment, Kirk and Michael Douglas, as themselves, show up and defeat the vampire enemy.  They then confide in you that their acting careers have been nothing more than cover to hide their true calling as vampire hunters.  You are then drafted by them to assist in their quest. 

However, about the time Rutger Hauer arrived in the dream, you realized that not only were you dreaming, but it was becoming rather absurd.  Thus, you force yourself to awaken.  Shortly thereafter, you find that you start laughing each time you attempt to reflect on the dream.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 89


Your first instinct when trying to offer condolescences to someone suffering a personal loss is to point out the following:

“If you stop to think about it, the person you miss is actually alive, well, and prospering by your side… it’s just occuring in an alternate universe.”

You decide against verbalizing that sentiment as few people have, historically, taken such a statement with the warm intent in which it would be offered.

 

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 88


You attempt to cheer someone up by quoting a line attributed to author, Philip K. Dick:

“If you find this world bad, you should see some of the others.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 87


Your oldest friend posts a message on a social media site concerning the prevention of their credit card’s fraudulent use in Ecuador by some unknown brigand, thanks to successful identity theft protection monitoring by their credit card company.  This message states how relieved they are, at this outcome.

Rather than simply reply with a short, trite comment saying some form of reassurance or congratulations on a potential crisis being averted, you decide to post a lengthy response in which you postulate a theory that the mysterious person who attempted to use their card, might actually be their future-self, who has traveled back in time to the present in order to save an Ecuadorian woman who is the future mother to a messianic offspring responsible for saving the human race.

You then accuse your friend of actually hindering the successful completion of their future-self’s mission by allowing the credit card company to intercede. Finally, you do offer them congratulations on being the possible father of the yet-to-be-conceived child, and then reassure them that they can alter the timeline to correct this error in judgment when their present-self later becomes the time traveler.  You conclude by mentioning the role of temporal paradoxes and multiverse theory in how this correction might be accomplished.

Having completely minimized the seriousness of your friend’s original message, and successfully injected unrequested humor into the situation, you submit your post.  You then wait for your friend’s amused and yet annoyed/ flabbergasted response.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 86


You just realized that even after all these years, you can recite the complete lyrics of the Captain Planet cartoon theme song.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 85


While doing work at home, you realize that you have been silently mouthing entire scenes of dialogue from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, which is playing on a television in the next room.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 84


You decided long ago that if ever you were to have children, they would be raised to consider Die Hard and Lethal Weapon equally valid Chirstmas films as perhaps Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Miracle on 34th Street.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 83


Because of your affinity for Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, you say, “Thankee sai,” on a regular basis, especially in flirtatious situations with members of the opposite sex.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 82


When asked to introduce yourself to the rest of your special collections course classmates on the first day of the new semester for your library science graduate degree, you proceed to try out untested stand-up comedy material that you’ve been working on, in anticipation of the mythical day when you get to perform at a real venue.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 81


The main reason you watch the Syfy original series Haven is to catch Stephen King multiverse Easter eggs (hidden references), secretly hoping for as many Dark Tower references as possible. You also think the shows’ chosen depiction of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in his brief appearance was rather lame and disappointing.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 80


You become visibly animated and yell, “Victory!” upon successfully utilizing Netflix to track down a 1993 Saturday Night Live sketch called “Teen Band” from a Halloween episode hosted by Christian Slater, because you have described this sketch to countless people since it first aired but have not actually seen it in 18 years.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 79


In the course of the same week, you have actually used the phrases, Words are wind, and Valar morghulis in casual conversation about real-word issues.

In an alternate universe: Event 6


In an alternate universe, politicians in the United States are elected through competition in a specialized academic decathlon, followed by a Medievil-style melee complete with swords.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 78


You have gotten into multiple arguments over the years regarding Star Wars, in which you have stressed the disregard for the laws of physics evident in the technology depicted in the films, as well as argued that the films should be considered “science fantasy” rather than “science fiction.”