This Memorial Day, you find yourself watching the 2007 film There Will Be Blood starring Daniel Day-Lewis. After the final confrontation scene, you say to aloud, “I feel like drinking a milkshake.”
You are compiling an annotated bibliography for a graduate school course, and just as you are about to check out a stack of book from your university library, you find yourself staring at those books thinking, “Now there’s a thing of beauty.”
Using telekinetic powers and a mystic samurai sword, you saved the Earth, got the girl, and made friends with extraterrestrials… then your alarm clock woke you up.
In an alternate universe, you did not find the movie trailer for the Footloose remake downright horrible, yet tragically funny because it was never made in the first place. Instead, the money was used to produce a Broadway play of the Bill Murray/ Richard Dreyfuss comedy What About Bob?, which went on to become the highest-grossing show in Broadway history.
Not only does your idea of a “fun Thursday night” consist of pizza and streaming episodes of the 1970s horror/ science fiction television series Night Gallery on HULU, but the nearly uncontrollable laughter that you experienced upon watching the segment entitled “The Nature of the Enemy” in Season 1, Episode 3, actually wakes your sleeping dog.
What could be so funny as to provoke such a response? Two words, folks: Moon mice.
That’s right… there is an actual segment in this series in which a near-future (as of the 1970s) mission to the moon that is originally supposed to build a “moon base” for NASA, ends up requiring a rescue team to try and find them, as they have gone missing shortly after a garbled transmission claims that they were “under attack”. The rescue team finds no signs that the original group of astronauts are still alive. The team transmits a video feed that shows the wreckage of one of the crafts from the previous mission, as well as a huge platform structure that the “attacked” astronauts apparently constructed from the moon base materials some time after their transmission, but just as the rescue team discovers this platform, they too seem to be attacked by something.
Just after a NASA engineer makes an off-hand comment that the structure resembles a giant mousetrap, the video transmission, which is still functioning, reveals “the enemy”… a gargantuan freaking mouse on the surface of the moon.
Your idea of turning to a “self-help” book is to read a Kurt Vonnegut novel, the validity of which is exemplified from the following line taken from his novel, Cat’s Cradle:
“Live by the harmless untruths that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy.”
You had a dream in which you are attacked by vampires, and at the last moment, Kirk and Michael Douglas, as themselves, show up and defeat the vampire enemy. They then confide in you that their acting careers have been nothing more than cover to hide their true calling as vampire hunters. You are then drafted by them to assist in their quest.
However, about the time Rutger Hauer arrived in the dream, you realized that not only were you dreaming, but it was becoming rather absurd. Thus, you force yourself to awaken. Shortly thereafter, you find that you start laughing each time you attempt to reflect on the dream.
Your first instinct when trying to offer condolescences to someone suffering a personal loss is to point out the following:
“If you stop to think about it, the person you miss is actually alive, well, and prospering by your side… it’s just occuring in an alternate universe.”
You decide against verbalizing that sentiment as few people have, historically, taken such a statement with the warm intent in which it would be offered.
You just realized that even after all these years, you can recite the complete lyrics of the Captain Planet cartoon theme song.
While doing work at home, you realize that you have been silently mouthing entire scenes of dialogue from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, which is playing on a television in the next room.
You decided long ago that if ever you were to have children, they would be raised to consider Die Hard and Lethal Weapon equally valid Chirstmas films as perhaps Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Miracle on 34th Street.
Because of your affinity for Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, you say, “Thankee sai,” on a regular basis, especially in flirtatious situations with members of the opposite sex.
When asked to introduce yourself to the rest of your special collections course classmates on the first day of the new semester for your library science graduate degree, you proceed to try out untested stand-up comedy material that you’ve been working on, in anticipation of the mythical day when you get to perform at a real venue.
The main reason you watch the Syfy original series Haven is to catch Stephen King multiverse Easter eggs (hidden references), secretly hoping for as many Dark Tower references as possible. You also think the shows’ chosen depiction of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in his brief appearance was rather lame and disappointing.
You become visibly animated and yell, “Victory!” upon successfully utilizing Netflix to track down a 1993 Saturday Night Live sketch called “Teen Band” from a Halloween episode hosted by Christian Slater, because you have described this sketch to countless people since it first aired but have not actually seen it in 18 years.
In the course of the same week, you have actually used the phrases, Words are wind, and Valar morghulis in casual conversation about real-word issues.
In an alternate universe, politicians in the United States are elected through competition in a specialized academic decathlon, followed by a Medievil-style melee complete with swords.
You have gotten into multiple arguments over the years regarding Star Wars, in which you have stressed the disregard for the laws of physics evident in the technology depicted in the films, as well as argued that the films should be considered “science fantasy” rather than “science fiction.”