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How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 264 (or Christmas gifts and time travel)

Your favorite gift received during the holiday season involved DVDs of Time Trax, a 1990s television series about a time traveling lawman, which you hadn’t seen in twenty years.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 255 (or “The Secret Life of an Antarctic Golem”)

You anxiously await the upcoming holiday so that you might entertain (though most likely annoy) your relatives with tales of your fictional creation, Guraknok the Christmas Golem.

Such tales involve an ancient golem traveling from his Antarctic lair each Christmas in order to challenge those whom he deems worthy to a dangerous game of riddles… the price of which begins with the seizing of meat products and presents.

You’ve also begun thinking of a larger, revised origin tale in which Guraknok was created from a disgruntled elf who had been dismissed from Santa’s workshop for failing to meet minimum production quotas.

After an unsuccessful attempt to establish a competing Christmas operation, the elf spends his remaining years learning dark magic, which culminates in the creation of the immortal Guraknok in an effort to take revenge on Santa Claus.

Guraknok the Christmas Golem exists to question Santa’s judgment on who is naughty and nice by utilizing a statistical algorithm to generate a sampling every year of people Guraknok will challenge in order to judge whether or not those who were given or denied gifts deserved that fate.

He may give gifts or take them away (and your meat products)… but do not try and test him yourself or you may end up being taken back with him to Antarctica, via his teleportation ring powered by elvish blood, where you will spend eternity working on Guraknok’s secret goal of opening Antartica’s first IKEA franchise so that he might one day retire and live his immortal life on a beach in the Bahamas.

In an alternate universe: Event 18 (or “Hey, kid… read the fine print.”)

In an alternate universe, the much-beloved story, Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus, which was Francis P. Church’s response to a girl’s 1897 query to the The New York Sun concerning the existence of Santa Claus, did not gain popularity as a Christmas classic.  This was caused by the much darker tone in Church’s alternate universe response, which was titled, Hey, Virginia, Just Who The Hell Have You Been Talking to, Young Lady?

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 231 (or “The Sleeper Has Awakened!”)

As it is the holiday season once again, you have begun making references to the alternate universe Christmas figure you created last year, who lives in Antarctica,  known as Guraknok the Christmas Golem, in the presence of various people around you (though only to your friends, rather than your new work colleagues).  You are also considering the creation of a Guraknok costume for Halloween 2013.

In an alternate universe: Event 11

In an alternate universe, Santa Claus does not exist.  Instead, presents are delivered to children all over the world by Guraknok the Christmas Golem, who lives in a shack in Antarctica most of the year.

Guraknok uses a magic ring forged in elvish blood to teleport himself into homes on Christmas Eve. He does bring presents, but in order to receive them, the head of each household must correctly answer a series of riddles and then defeat him in single combat.  Those who fail must relinquish all of their Christmas presents to him and provide him with all of the meat products in their home or be stricken from Christmas participation for the following year.