In an alternate universe, the actor Peter Dinklage (best known as “The Half Man,” Tyrion Lannister on HBO’s Game of Thrones) was born decades earlier, allowing him to beat out Harrison Ford for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars: Episode IV.
Not only does Dinklage successfully pull off the role due to genuine “leading man” qualities, but his physical stature lends itself to combat-related scenes in which he rides Chewbacca piggyback style, while shooting his blaster. This also occurs in Empire Strikes Back in the scenes with a dissembled C-3PO strapped to the Wookiees’s back in Cloud City, on the planet Bespin.
Harrison Ford still became a household name in the Indiana Jones films, though the fourth film in that franchise was never made.
You’re childhood enjoyment of the Captain Planet cartoon series lends itself to a surprising appreciation for the four-part Funny or Die comedic saga in which Don Cheadle portrays a rather insane Captain Planet.
Click on the links below to behold, what I like to call, The Downfall of Captain Planet…
A group of people you don’t know are conversing nearby, as you exit a building. You clearly overhear the phrase “lamb’s blood.” Though you are a bit alarmed at this phrase, and have no idea of the actual context of the conversation, part of you would find it amusing to approach them and interject the following:
“Excuse me, but you aren’t planning on killing a djinn by chance, are you? I only ask because in order to destroy that particular supernatural creature, the lamb’s blood needs to already be on the dagger or it won’t work. Also, it’s a good idea to have backup on hand as the touch of a djinn can render you incapacitated via psychic attack as it feeds off of your life-force.”
You have concluded that the following is the best way to describe the brilliant, twisted, comedic weirdness that is Michael Bay’s new film, Pain & Gain:
The film has the same sensibilities as the movie Step Brothers, if (a) the brothers had decided to become criminal “masterminds” rather that start a marketing company, and (b) it was based on a true story.
The characters’ behavior in both films are equally illogical and wickedly funny, except that if one of the characters from Pain & Gain told you, “Don’t touch my drumset,” it would be wise not to test them, lest you be wearing said drumset as a hat due to possible “‘roid’ rage”.
Having recently discovered this interview segment with Oscar-winning director Danny Boyle, on the “Pixarification” of today’s film industry (by which he means a trend toward appealing to “family friendly” audiences at the expense of the visceral, thought-provoking, grown-up movies of the 1970s). I thought I’d share his thoughts with you, my avid readers. What are your thoughts on the points sai Boyle brings up? Does his new film, Trance, meet his intended goals?
You are excited by the following trailer for Elysium, an upcoming film written and directed by Neill Blomkamp of District 9 fame… and yes, Sharlto Copley is in it, too.
How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 245 (or “Is that a terrifying, classic film villain on your TV screen, or are you just happy to see me?”)
The thought occurs to you that if your younger self from twenty years ago were suddenly transported in time to the present, the world would seem very both fascinating and a bit scary, just based on the fact that you have a digital video recorder that allows you to record high definition versions of television programs without a VCR, which you can use to fast forward commercials.
Furthermore, two of the television shows on your DVR are centered around terrifying film villains Norman Bates and Hannibal Lecter, the latter being broadcast on a major television network, which bewilders your younger self even as it confounds your present self, considering that people once found shows like Married With Children and The Simpsons edgy and controversial.
Your knowledge of various mythologies (Norse, Greek, etc.) primarily comes from college classes and the works of Neil Gaiman.
How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 243 (or Intergalactic gladiatorial arenas and personal dream sequences)
You recently had a dream that you accidentally traveled through an Einstein-Rosen-Podolsky bridge (also known as an Einstein-Rosen bridge or “wormhole”) connecting two points in space-time.
Upon arriving at the wormhole’s other end, you find yourself held captive by a group of aliens from the Predator film franchise, who force you to fight in an intergalactic gladiatorial arena alongside fellow captives Lieutenant Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Chicago-area wizard and private detective Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden from The Dresden Files novels.
Throughout the remainder of the dream, you embark on a journey of survival with these characters in which you repeatedly attempt to get a letter of recommendation from Data endorsing your application to Starfleet Academy, as well as secure a wizard’s apprenticeship with Dresden.
You have realized that how well you get along with a person seems to have a correlation between the ratio of how much that person likes Stephen King’s Dark Tower novels and how much that person dislikes Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga.
Having read the first book and seen the first movie in the Twilight Saga, and loathed both with a passion, you have avoided the work of Stephenie Meyer and the subsequent film adaptations that have occurred. As such, when you first saw the trailer (provided below) for the film adaptation of Meyer’s supposed “science fiction” novel, The Host, you were shocked.
Why the shock? While you haven’t read the book, you have seen the film Bowfinger, a comedy in which a terrible director secretly films a famous actor without his knowledge in order to make a science fiction film called Chubby Rain, about aliens invading Earth via raindrops.
Thus, you exclaimed, “I can’t believe it… The Host is basically Chubby Rain being filmed for real!”
Behold, and judge for yourself.
Someone interrupts you while you are watching Vikings on the History Channel, saying, “For a second, it looked like you were watching Sons of Anarchy,” to which you reply:
“Actually, one could say that Norse Vikings were the Medieval equivalent of biker gangs… awesome beards and hair included.”
*Yes, I know, two consecutive Vikings posts. I couldn’t resist. I cry your pardon… a little.*
You have become so enthusiastic about the History Channel’s new scripted historical drama, Vikings, that you have decided that any second dog you get in the future will be named “Ragnar Lothbrok” after the show’s main character. You find it amusing and cool to treat this full Viking name as a first name for a pet, as you want to one day routinely say:
(1) “Come here Ragnar Lothbrok.” (2) “Where are you Ragnar Lothbrok?” (3) “Ragnar Lothbrok, it’s time for a walk.” (4) “Ragnar Lothbrok doesn’t like that cat who keeps coming around. He keeps growling at it.”
How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 238 (or “Is that a Kindle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Oh, that’s a Kindle… never mind, then”)
You often volunteer the number of novels you read last year when trying to impress someone in a dating situation, only to realize that half the time it makes you look as if you have no social life, and the other half, your potential date has no response at all.
You realize from recent experience that staying off of Facebook for three months and then finally signing back in is disorienting in much the same way as being suddenly transported into the future (or woken from a coma). You find out that you have missed major events that had only been shared as status updates, not unlike the following:
Engagements; pregnancies; new pets; friends who have moved, changed careers, or become vegan; new hairstyles, beards, and tattoos; as well as grown men who are nearly 30 years old, suddenly going from liking heavy metal to posting cringe-worthy statements in favor of the musical sound of the band Fun.
Recently, when asked what television shows you are following you had to break it down by country, as you watch shows from: America, Great Britain, Australia, Canada, and France.
After you recently watched the R-rated teen comedy film Project X, about an out-of-control birthday party for a high school kid that devolves into a flame-ridden riot, you make the following comment:
“I began watching this movie thinking it was a remake of the 1987 Matthew Broderick film, Project X, about a secret airforce program that trained chimpanzees to fly in aircraft simulators. Boy was I wrong!”
To which someone tells you: “Obviously, you never saw this movie’s trailer… and you are probably the only person that even remembers that they ever even made another Project X in 1987.”
While you are viewing the film Shadow of the Vampire for the first time in years, you remember why this John Malkovich/ Willem Dafoe movie is arguably one of the best vampire films of all time… it’s equal parts creepy and hilarious. Released in 2000, this film presents a fictionalized account of the making of Friedrich Wilhelm Murnau’s 1922 film, Nosferatu: Eine Symphonie des Grauens (Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror). The version of events presented in Shadow of the Vampire has Murnau (Malkovich) hiring an actual vampire in the role of Count Orlock, telling lies to his cast and crew about his star being a “method actor” named Max Schreck (Dafoe).
What follows is perhaps one of the greatest examples of an egomaniacal director trying to control a difficult, uncooperative star… though in this case, the star is a bitter, ugly, centuries-old vampire who wants to eat the crew. Dafoe’s “Orlock/ Schreck” is what a vampire should be: dangerous, scary, evil-looking, and tragic. You find yourself repulsed by him, and yet sympathize with the sadness that permeates his immortal existence.
It is during this latest viewing, that you wish that they would make a prequel to Shadow of the Vampire depicting the agreement first made between Murnau and Schreck prior to making Nosferatu. You envision the film being shot much like My Dinner with Andre, in that the whole movie is a conversation between Murnau and Schreck about their agreement as well as their views on life, its meaning, and their life experiences.
After viewing the trailer for Shadow of the Vampire presented below, ask yourself: Who wouldn’t want to see such a prequel?
While you have kept up with the HBO vampire drama True Blood since it first premiered, you have privately debated whether or not to discontinue viewing it each season, as it just seems to get more campy and absurd each year. Thus, when a die-hard fan of the show asked you how wonderful you would feel if the universe depicted in the series was a reality, you respond as follows:
“If I spent my life living in a True Blood universe, I think I’d spend my life annoyed with everyone around me, muttering, ‘You’ve got be kidding me’ everyday, until undereducated werewolves or overly whiny vampires attacked me and put me out of my misery.”
The J. J. Abrams television series Fringe recently ended its five-year run on FOX, leaving an empty space in the world of nerds that was once filled with alternate universes, Red Vines, bald mystery men, and “show-me” cards. As a tribute, we thought it appropriate to show a couple of YouTube videos that pay homage to the show, and its most unique character, Dr. Walter Bishop, portrayed by John Noble.
This compilation highlights many funny Walter Bishop moments up to 2010. If you have yet to see the show, this video will give you a taste of some rather great moments for which to anticipate.
This is a rather sentimental tribute video to the show's journey, but Fringe deserve some sentiment… it was a truly solid television series.