Monthly Archives: August 2012

In an alternate universe: Event 17 (or “Ghost-Busting Goodfellas”)

In an alternate universe, the directors and casts of the films Ghostbusters and Goodfellas swapped movie projects.  This means that Martin Scorsese made a paranormal thriller called Ghostbusters (using the original script by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis) starring Ray Liotta,  Robert De Niro, and Joe Pesci.  However, the Scorsese version was released in 1990 rather the 1984 release of the Ivan Reitman version of Ghostbusters.

Goodfellas was then directed by Ivan Reitman as a true-crime comedy using the screenplay adaptation written by Nicholas Pileggi and Martin Scorsese, based on Pileggi’s book.  The film’s cast was led by Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, and Ernie Hudson.  It was released in 1991, rather than 1990.

Both films were huge hits, and in this alternate universe, Scorsese’s Ghostbusters is widely considered one of the scariest films of all time.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 203 (or “Just one more thing… and a cookie, if it do ya fine.”)

You find watching episodes of Columbo quite relaxing, and often state that the show is “like a glass of warm milk.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 202 (or “Is that a rocket-pack strapped to your back, or are you just happy to see me?” )

You are somewhat enthused upon reading that Disney is considering a remake of the 1991 film The Rocketeer because you were always a fan of that movie, having actually seen it in the theater “back in the day” (although, you freely admit that you may be biased as you were mesmerized by Jennifer Connelly the first time you saw it).

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 201 (or RiffTrax and sparkling vampires )

When a friend tells you that they’ve reluctantly agreed to placate another friend by viewing all of the Twilight Saga films, you suggest that they decree a caveat to this arrangement in order to tolerate the experience.  Specifically, you suggest that they only agree to watch the films if it can be done in conjunction with the corresponding RiffTrax audio commentaries, in which the individuals known best for Mystery Science Theater 3000 make fun of these movies.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 200 (or wisdom from Gilead )

When a person familiar with your reading habits recently stubbed their toe on a piece of furniture in your presence, uttering a curse in reaction to the pain, you respond by saying, “Ya know, ‘pain rises, from the heart to the head.'”

They then reply, “Let me guess, that’s another Dark Tower quote, right?”

You answer, “Good guess.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 199 (or the ultimate weapon… the “Bat-kini” )

While visiting your cousin and her children at a local community swimming pool, you find yourself greatly distracted by the arrival of a rather buxom blonde woman in her mid 20s, who is wearing a Batman bikini.

In an alternate universe: Event 16 (or “Harry Potter and The Crimson King”)

In an alternate universe, J.K. Rowling partners with Stephen King to write a Harry Potter novel in which it is revealed that the recently defeated Lord Voldemort was a servant of the Crimson King.  When low men in the Crimson King’s employ begin using muggles  to hunt down and capture magically-inclined people, the American counterpart to Hogwart’s summons forth a ka-tet of gunslingers, led by Cuthbert Allgood via his death at the Battle of Jericho Hill, from another level of the Tower to do away with these villains.  

Through the course of the story, Randall Flagg is unmasked as having assumed the form of the American “defense against the dark arts” instructor, and Harry Potter himself turns out to be the villain directing these abductions as the Crimson King possessed his body using a glass from the Wizard’s Rainbow, capable of facilitating possession.  The novel ends with Cuthbert Allgood killing Harry Potter, who is then resurrected by the Wizard Maerlyn who has left the solitude of his cave on another level of the Tower long enough to save Potter and place him as the new head of Hogwart’s before returning with Cuthbert to the magic school’s American counterpart.  Cuthbert is then sent to New York where he gets a job as the head of security and black bag operations for the Tet Corporation.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 198 (or “Why would parents name a child thusly?” )

You spend ten minutes laughing aloud upon viewing a recent episode of The Great Escape on the TNT network when a contestant introduces herself as follows:

“My name is Crescent…”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 197 (or fun with aliens and advertising slogans )

You find the idea of seeing one of the Alien franchise films at a “retro movie night” appealing, if only for the opportunity to yell out, “L’eggo my Eggo!” when a face-hugger jumps out of its egg pouch onto someone’s face.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 196 (or workplace wordslinging)

Because you have been reading the Dark Tower books for a second time, you have had to force yourself (on several occasions) to not speak to people at your workplace in the diction of Mid-World in order to prevent possible awkwardness and conversational embarrassment.  However, close friends and family have been getting plenty of text messages with phrases like, “Thankee-sai” and “The world won’t move on tomorrow.”

While most of those chosen few have endured your Dark Tower palaver with mild amusement, you did actually provide manage to impress a friend by responding to the terrifying spectacle of witnessing a Red-tailed Hawk shaking off its slow-speed windshield collision with a nearby car on an access road and then flying away, with the following Dark Tower quote from The Gunslinger:

“The hawk does not fear you, boy, and the hawk never will.  The hawk is God’s gunslinger.”

Our level of the Dark Tower (or I cry your pardon…)

Long days and pleasant nights, avid reader!

While, I won’t go so far as to say that I’ve forgotten the face of my father, I cry your pardon for this overdue post.  Relatives from New York (not so fast, sai… they’re from this when, I say thankee) and more family from across the pond required my attention this past Saturday.  Though time is a face on the water, time does move but one way on this level of the Tower, so I was forced to make the hard choice to provide two extra posts on this day in order to honor our khef.  Ya ken khef, I hope… ’tis the sharing of water (or in our case, nerdy ideas).

So, behold, my ka-tet of readers… two more posts shall follow this one, by watch and by warrant.

May your days be long upon the earth!

— Brandon, Proprietor and “would-be” Wordslinger


How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 195 (or parodies in the name of the Eld)

Someone catches you singing a song under your breath and asks, “Are you singing Addicted to Love?”  You then explain that you were actually singing a Dark Tower-inspired parody song you thought up (but have yet to complete) called Addicted to Lud.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 194 (or retorts to unwanted religious “door-to-door” solicitations)

Recently, a random, unwanted stranger came to an acquaintance’s front door attempting to extoll the virtues of their religious group.  They began their “pitch” by raising their hands, exclaiming, “Isn’t the weather wonderful today?!”

Your acquaintance asked the stranger to leave, which they did.  However, you suggested that the next time a stranger exclaiming, “Isn’t the weather wonderful today?!” shows up with religious pamphlets, the proper retort is as follows:

“Actually, the weather on my home planet is much nicer this time of year,” then shut and lock the door.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 193 (or a “Ghost Story” grievance)

A few days after your inaugural viewing of the 1981 horror film Ghost Story, starring Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, John Houseman, and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., (all of whom never made another film after this one) you have the following conversation:

You: “The cool thing about Ghost Story was that it begins with a scary story being told by John Houseman, which is the same exact way that John Carpenter’s The Fog begins.  However, they really screwed up the flashback scenes because John Houseman’s younger character counterpart was played by Ken Olin, who didn’t even attempt a British accent.  I mean, Houseman has an iconic British accent!”

Other: “I don’t know who any of those people are.”

You: “Come on, John Houseman from The Paper Chase… ring any bells?  Ken Olin directed a bunch of television show episodes and used to be on thirtysomething in the 1980s.

Other: “How the hell would I know who was on thirtysomething?  I was a baby when that was on, man.”

You: “So, what?  I was 4 years old when it started and 8 by the time it was off the air, but I still remember it existed.”

Other: “What kind of 4-year-old watched thirtysomething?”

You: “I just remember having seen it, not watching every week.  I wasn’t a fan, or anything.  Now, I did watch MacGyver every week, however.  I loved that show.”

Other: “Did you also watch the national evening news at the age of 4, too (*laughs*)?

You: “Sometimes.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 192 (or “Not-so-happy feet”)

The comedy highlight of your day is finding out that Fred Astaire starred in an actual horror film released in 1981 called Ghost Story.  What is less funny upon viewing the movie, however, is the random frontal male nudity early in the film.  Though, you find yourself grateful that the nude scene did not involve the octogenarian Fred Astaire.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 191 (or “A rose by any other name…”)

Your fondness for the Dark Tower books has led you to promise yourself that if you ever start a company you will investigate the possibility of naming it the Tet Corporation or North Central Positronics.