Monthly Archives: April 2012

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 150 (or the unshaven beard… )

A long-time friend, who is male like yourself, posted a photo of themselves on Facebook asking a simple question: “I’ve been growing a beard for three weeks.  Should I keep it or shave it off?”

Upon reading this question, you write the following, fervent response in order to annoy him:

Talk to me after two months of growth, then you can think of trimming it.  The clean shaven look is a female conspiracy meant to rob us of our individuality as males.  The exception to this is job interviews… even I go clean shaven for those.  In reality, though, its none of Facebook’s business… I’m just rather protective of my own beard so it pains me to see another man offer his up for sacrifice.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 149 (or “Sliders” was doing it all wrong… )

When you watched the former FOX/Scifi Channel (before the SYFY renaming) showSliders, starring Jerry O’Connell, for the first time in years, you kept criticizing the show aloud.  However, these weren’t criticisms of the show’s production.  Instead, you criticized the lack of scientific record keeping that took place as the small group of people randomly traveled to parallel universes.

Even though the “timing device” that opened portals for them was set on random, you couldn’t believe that the two group members who were quantum physicists never bothered to keep a notebook with any unique identifying numbers, etc., that the timer generated on each trip to another Earth, in order to attempt some kind of cataloging system that labeled the various universes for further study or just later reference.  Also, the characters would often spend time trying to find out the specific history of the universe they were visiting, but you never noticed them retaining any of the notes or documentation they found.  Its not like they couldn’t carry the information in a backpack.

Who wouldn’t want a Jimi Hendrix album recorded live in the 1990s, for example?

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 148 (or “Slacker” science)

You recently watched Richard Linklater’s 1991 film Slacker for the first time.  During an opening monologue given by Linklater himself, as he plays a person who is riding in a cab, you actually say aloud, “Wow… that must be what I sound like to most people!”

Why?  Well, you realize during the scene that you’ve talked about the very subject on which he speaks, including having made many of the same postulations, in previous conversations over the years.  You spend the rest of the film trying to decide if this is good or bad, but never seem to reach a definitive conclusion.
This is the exact scene in question:

The humble nerd returneth (or Disappearing/ Reappearing posts)

This, oh humblest of nerds, hath returned to the Inter-web.  I cry your pardon, avid reader for my absence these past few days.  Some may recall that I am seeking my Master’s Degree in Library Science.  The rigors of a long semester culminated in a blur of sleepless nights as I crafted three research papers together in the course of a few days.  Specifically, I had to create a research paper on the life and works of an early printer in Germany in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries (no, not Johannes Gutenberg, but close), an annotated bibliography on the same topic, and a bibliographic description of an ecclesiastical history written in Latin and printed in 1675.

As such, much like a student maester, I found myself engrossed in forging the “Rare Books” link to my chain, leaving no time to leave The Citadel of my home to venture to Oldtown, i.e. this, my blog.  However, I’ve emerged from this pursuit a little wiser, with a longer beard, and with a desire to buy a cassock.  Just kidding about the cassock… mostly.

The bottom line is: I owe you postings.  Thus, after this post, I shall answer thee with postings three… That’s two that I missed last week, plus a bonus post.  Tomorrow shall resume as normal.

Your patience, readership, and laughter (as always) are appreciated.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 147 (or Dahl dilemmas)

You recently recommended the 1996 Ray Liotta film Unforgettable to someone, explaining that it was a film directed by John Dahl about a medical examiner who uses an experimental procedure for memory transference to solve a series of murders.

However, the conversation breaks down as you find yourself saying, “No, John Dahl is a director.  He didn’t write Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  You’re thinking of Roald Dahl.”

Religious consideration through stand-up comedy (or “That’s my shoe…”)

Not long ago, I was thrust into a debate about religion when a casual conversation with someone I had just met on a blind date was steered toward the topic of theology.  While I always speak my mind, I tend to subscribe to the idea that religion and politics are two areas to be avoided when you first converse with someone.  Typically, those two topics tend to lead to heated discussions, and are best saved for a time when you and the other person have had more than a single verbal encounter on which to base your acquaintance… but hey, that’s just one guy’s opinion.

This person insisted on talking about religion, extolling the virtues and righteousness of their particular denomination of Christianity.  The conversation then turned toward me, my religious beliefs, and whether or not I would consider becoming a member of that her congregation if we decided to keep dating.  I politely explained that I just try to focus on the ethical ideals that I feel makes me a good, caring, and kind person, which aren’t really specific to any one religion.  A reasonable response, no?

Apparently, my date did not agree, as she continued to talk about how I should convert to her way of thinking, despite my efforts to chance the topic.  As time went on, my inner nerd rose up from within to provide a definitive answer to my views on the topic.  I found myself saying, “The best way I can describe my views to you is to quote George Carlin, who said, Religion is like a pair of shoes… find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.‘”

Perhaps the greatest stand-up comedy joke, extolling the dangers of myopia and religious intolerance, belongs to comedian Emo Philips, who said:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 146 (or quite literally the girl of my dreams… )

This video makes you laugh, not only for its concept, but also because you are a fan of Fringe and actress Anna Torv. Watching this, you can’t shake the feeling that this video is about 90% similar to a dream you once had…

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 145 (or “Crews” control or lack thereof…)

These have become your favorite commercials, thanks to the fearlessness and comedic audacity of Terry Crews, who can do an action movie role as equally well as a comedy.

But wait, there’s more…

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 144 (or wizards in space)

You had an elaborate dream in which you were on a futuristic space station where you encountered a wizard from Earth who was tracking a warlock.  You agree to help him track his adversary in exchange for an apprenticeship.  During the course of the dream, you get in a fight with a telekinetic alien after beating him in a drinking contest in a “zero gravity” bar.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 143 (or “Cage” my inner thoughts )

You find yourself mesmerized by the following video compilation…

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 142 (or “I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts!” )

You get frustrated while searching for a specific television show to stream on Netflix so you decide to check other video streaming services to which you subscribe (including the new application from  As you switch services, you proclaim, “I don’t care what they said in Ghostbusters, I’m crossing the streams…”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 141 (or papers and printers past…)

You take a break from researching information a printer who studied under Johannes Gutenberg by reading a novel downloaded to your Kindle.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 140 (or warp speed and womanizing)

You’ve decided that in an alternate universe, you are a lieutenant commander in Starfleet, who is quickly gaining a reputation as a brilliant tactical officer (as well as an accomplished lothario, who has left a trail of swooning partners from Risa to Qo’noS).

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 139 (or dragon tattoo removal)

Determined to resist the literary fad of reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and its sequels, but tired of defending yourself to fans of the series (while remembering the horrors you suffered by reading the detritus that is the first book in the The Twilight Saga) you’ve decided to answer, “Have you read those books yet?” with the following response:

“I’m waiting for the posthumous spin-off series, The Girl with the Tattoo of Sean Connery Wielding a Flaming Sword While Riding a Crimson Pegasus Charging Toward Michael Caine Who is Carrying a Crossbow While Mounted on a Centaur that is Actually Weird Al Yankovic (Circa 1989) from the Waist Up.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 138 (or games of hunger and the spice melange…)

When someone recounts an instance of a six-year-old girl reading The Hunger Games, which they point out is rather mature subject matter for such a young child, you respond as follows:

“The real issue is the fact that she is wasting her time with a derivative work like The Hunger Games.  Aside from the better novels that deal with dystopian survival games, a discerning adult should have introduced the child to good science fiction in general (not the least of which is Dune by Frank Herbert).”