Monthly Archives: March 2012

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 137 (or academia and delayed literary gratification)


Each semester of school, you set aside a selection of books to be read only upon successful completion of that term’s course load.  Among the books in this semester’s self-imposed incentive program are: a nonfiction history book by Sarah Vowell, several works by renowned science fiction author Gene Wolfe, and the latest of Stephen King’s Dark Tower books.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 136 (or being frank about Kurt)


During a recent conversation, you’ve made a statement not unlike the following:

“I’ve always thought some of Kurt Russell’s best performances just so happen to occur when he wears some combination of a beard and an eye patch.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 135 (or “A mummy came to my house…”)


For most of your life, you have been a staunch defender of the 1987 film The Monster Squad as one of the best monster movies of all time… not only because of the large number of great one-liners, but also because it features The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein’s monster in the same movie.

In an alternate universe: Event 14 (or AI programs for everyone!)


In an alternate universe, everyone is assigned a personalized artificial intelligence program to serve as a tutor, language translator, and confidant.  Each person gets to name their AI.  Mine would be called Oberon.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 134 (or “He’s not dead… thank you very much.”)


You recently had a conversation in which you said, “Of course Elvis is dead… don’t be ridiculous.  However, Andy Kaufman, I’m not so sure about.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 133 (or wake up… and consult a physicist)


You have become a fan of the new NBC drama Awake, starring Jason Isaacs, as a police detective who was in a car wreck with his wife and teenage son.  He then wakes up each day to alternating versions of the wreck’s aftermath.  One morning, his wife is his fellow survivor, but once he falls asleep, he awakens to a reality in which his son survived.  The act of falling asleep acts as a switch that sends him back and forth between these realities, in which he sees different shrinks and has different investigative partners.

The show centers around the idea, as suggested through the two shrinks, that one reality is true and the other reality is an elaborate dream, and he should figure out which one is real for the sake of his sanity.  However, you are becoming increasingly frustrated because the show completely ignores the idea that neither reality is a dream.  You believe that his consciousness is being bounced back and forth between two parallel universes.  You further believe that the professional help he really needs is that of a quantum physicist.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 132 (or science fiction stereotyping)


A relative decides it would be fun to watch television with you so the two of you can spend time together, but as you are attempting to play something from your DVR they ask, “This isn’t one of those shows that takes place in outer space, or a parallel universe, or has vampires, or some crazy killer, is it?”

To which you roll your eyes and reply, “Of course not. That would make it fun. Oh, look… a reality show about snooty ‘housewives!’ Now that’s entertainment!”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 131 (or cross-continental creature casting)


You’ve discovered that you greatly enjoy the British supernatural comedy/ drama series Being Human, about a werewolf, a vampire, and a ghost sharing a residence, despite greatly disliking the American version’s sophomoric nature because the original balances sardonic humor with existential angst.

In fact, you have watched multiple seasons of the UK series, while giving up on its American counterpart after the third episode.  Had it not been for the consistantly intriguing performance of character actor Mark Pellegrino, as a vampiric villain on the US version, you wouldn’t have gone that far.  He would also be the only reason you would attempt to suffer through it once more.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 130 (or “What’s in a name?”)


Upon watching the 1972 medical drama Emergency! for the first time, you exclaim the following when the cast credits are shown: “Okay, that’s it… Randolph Mantooth is the greatest name I’ve ever heard!”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 129 (or nightmares and cheapskates)


You have a nightmare that is related to Freddy Krueger, by which I mean the person who shows up to scare you is not Freddy Krueger himself, but rather his father who also appears in people’s nightmares.  Unlike his son, the elder Krueger (who resembles a burned Emo Philips) he is mostly concerned with entertaining you rather than harming you in your nightmare.  Therefore, he takes requests from you as to what you might like to encounter, much like a clown would when making balloon animals at a birthday party.

The resulting “nightmare” was actually rather pleasant, as you requested a voluptuous female Valkyrie who spent the whole time flirting with you when she wasn’t offering to take you flying.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 128 (or dating and the Dark Knight)


You have actually said the following sentence regarding a person with whom you went on one date, then mutually decided things wouldn’t work out:

“I guess a mutual love of Batman isn’t enough to form a lasting relationship.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 127 (or the cryogenic cartoonist)


You’ve begun to amuse yourself when watching episodes of ABC’s Once Upon A Time that do not feature Robert Carlyle by combining the events of the show with the film Vanilla Sky in your head.  This means that you basically see the show as a giant dream manufactured by Walt Disney’s mind, in order to keep his brain active during his cryogenic preservation.  You find your version of the show more entertaining as this would explain the heavily utilized Disney character motifs, while also using the character of Henry as a stand-in for Walt Disney’s consciousness as he is aware that the townsfolk in the show are actually fairy tale characters.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 126 (or storage and humiliation)


Though you are in your 20s, circumstance has led to the following thought at least once this year: I think I left my wallet in my mother’s purse.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 125 (or Werewolves and Westerns)


While most people associate legendary actor Chuck Connors with his classic Western television show roles in The Rifleman and Branded, you will always think of him as the eye-patch-wearing, lycanthropic villain named Capt. Janos Skorzeny in the 1987 FOX television series Werewolf.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 124 (or a “cool” Batman idea)


For years, you have maintained that Christopher Lloyd would have made a great Mr. Freeze, which is one of the many reasons that you lament the film Batman & Robin.

In fact, the only good thing you can say about that movie is a funny memory of seeing it in a movie theater back in 1997.  In the scene where Robin peals away some sort of lip wax he had secretly applied to prevent Poison Ivy’s kiss from killing him, an audience member screamed, “Bat Lips!”