Monthly Archives: October 2011

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 98


You are a person born before 1985, who after years of avoiding the games playable on Facebook, finally gives into temptation and began playing Empires & Allies.  Whereupon you discover that in this game, as with most Facebook games, the necessity of adding people from your Friends List to your in-game roster is paramount in order to prosper.  However, due to the unfortunate trend of your in-game ally invitations going widely unaccepted, you write a separate post in an attempt to convince people to play with you.


The post reads somewhat like the following:

“Who else is playing Empires & Allies?  If you are, I’d like to ask in the least creepy way possible, “‘Please won’t you be my neighbor?'”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 97


While most people (in baseball-loving countries) are watching the World Series, you are reading a Stephen King novel on your Kindle and streaming an episode of The X-Files on Netflix.

In an alternate universe: Event 8


In an alternate universe, when a person says the phrase, “Size matters,” it is generally acknowledged as a reference to the size of someone’s personal library collection.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 96


When talking to the director of a museum’s special collection library, you actually describe your reaction to touring their facility as feeling, “like a kid in a candy store.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 95


Using telekinetic powers and a mystic samurai sword, you saved the Earth, got the girl, and made friends with extraterrestrials… then your alarm clock woke you up.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 94


While streaming an episode of The X-Files on Netflix, you become annoyed with an archeological graduate student character who brings her dog to the museum where she works because as a student in a special collections library science course, you know that bringing animals into a museum (which is a type of special collection) is about as reasonable as a carpenter breeding termites as a hobby and then releasing them in his workshop.

It’s at this point when you realize that you have raised no objections  to the extraterrestrial plots, supernatural encounters, and government conspiracies presented in The X-Files.  Only when a character brings a dog into a museum (an action that would be considered incompetent among those in your professional field) do you find yourself saying, “Oh come on! That would never happen!”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 93


You’ve said the following statement to another person (though thinking it in the first place was nerdy enough):
“When one considers the slew of urban gladiatorial martial arts movies that were released in the 1980s and early 1990s, perhaps the two best films in that genre would have to be Jean-Claude Van Damme’s 1988 film Bloodsport, and the 1992 film American Samurai, starring David Bradley and Mark Dacascos.”

Knowing that both films are rather cheesy, and yet entertaining, you then try to determine which is better.  However, you come to an impasse when you realize that though American Samurai has martial arts swordplay and Bloodsport does not, you’ve only seen the heavily-edited US release of American Samurai, and Bloodsport is based on a true story.

In an alternate universe: Event 7


In an alternate universe, you did not find the movie trailer for the Footloose remake downright horrible, yet tragically funny because it was never made in the first place.  Instead, the money was used to produce a Broadway play of the Bill Murray/ Richard Dreyfuss comedy What About Bob?, which went on to become the highest-grossing show in Broadway history.