Monthly Archives: September 2011

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 92

Not only does your idea of a “fun Thursday night” consist of pizza and streaming episodes of the 1970s horror/ science fiction television series Night Gallery on HULU, but the nearly uncontrollable laughter that you experienced upon watching the segment entitled “The Nature of the Enemy” in Season 1, Episode 3, actually wakes your sleeping dog.

What could be so funny as to provoke such a response? Two words, folks: Moon mice.

That’s right…  there is an actual segment in this series in which a near-future (as of the 1970s) mission to the moon that is originally supposed to build a “moon base” for NASA, ends up requiring a rescue team to try and find them, as they have gone missing shortly after a garbled transmission claims that they were “under attack”.  The rescue team finds no signs that the original group of astronauts are still alive.  The team transmits a video feed that shows the wreckage of one of the crafts from the previous mission, as well as a huge platform structure that the “attacked” astronauts apparently constructed from the moon base materials some time after their transmission, but just as the rescue team discovers this platform, they too seem to be attacked by something.

Just after a NASA engineer makes an off-hand comment that the structure resembles a giant mousetrap, the video transmission, which is still functioning, reveals “the enemy”… a gargantuan freaking mouse on the surface of the moon.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 91

Your idea of turning to a “self-help” book is to read a Kurt Vonnegut novel, the validity of which is exemplified from the following line taken from his novel, Cat’s Cradle:

“Live by the harmless untruths that make you brave and kind and healthy and happy.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 90

You had a dream in which you are attacked by vampires, and at the last moment, Kirk and Michael Douglas, as themselves, show up and defeat the vampire enemy.  They then confide in you that their acting careers have been nothing more than cover to hide their true calling as vampire hunters.  You are then drafted by them to assist in their quest. 

However, about the time Rutger Hauer arrived in the dream, you realized that not only were you dreaming, but it was becoming rather absurd.  Thus, you force yourself to awaken.  Shortly thereafter, you find that you start laughing each time you attempt to reflect on the dream.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 89

Your first instinct when trying to offer condolescences to someone suffering a personal loss is to point out the following:

“If you stop to think about it, the person you miss is actually alive, well, and prospering by your side… it’s just occuring in an alternate universe.”

You decide against verbalizing that sentiment as few people have, historically, taken such a statement with the warm intent in which it would be offered.


How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 88

You attempt to cheer someone up by quoting a line attributed to author, Philip K. Dick:

“If you find this world bad, you should see some of the others.”

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 87

Your oldest friend posts a message on a social media site concerning the prevention of their credit card’s fraudulent use in Ecuador by some unknown brigand, thanks to successful identity theft protection monitoring by their credit card company.  This message states how relieved they are, at this outcome.

Rather than simply reply with a short, trite comment saying some form of reassurance or congratulations on a potential crisis being averted, you decide to post a lengthy response in which you postulate a theory that the mysterious person who attempted to use their card, might actually be their future-self, who has traveled back in time to the present in order to save an Ecuadorian woman who is the future mother to a messianic offspring responsible for saving the human race.

You then accuse your friend of actually hindering the successful completion of their future-self’s mission by allowing the credit card company to intercede. Finally, you do offer them congratulations on being the possible father of the yet-to-be-conceived child, and then reassure them that they can alter the timeline to correct this error in judgment when their present-self later becomes the time traveler.  You conclude by mentioning the role of temporal paradoxes and multiverse theory in how this correction might be accomplished.

Having completely minimized the seriousness of your friend’s original message, and successfully injected unrequested humor into the situation, you submit your post.  You then wait for your friend’s amused and yet annoyed/ flabbergasted response.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 86

You just realized that even after all these years, you can recite the complete lyrics of the Captain Planet cartoon theme song.

How to tell you’re a nerd: Method 85

While doing work at home, you realize that you have been silently mouthing entire scenes of dialogue from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, which is playing on a television in the next room.