You have realized that how well you get along with a person seems to have a correlation between the ratio of how much that person likes Stephen King’s Dark Tower novels and how much that person dislikes Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Saga.
During a long phone conversation with an old friend, who often takes the opposing view to yours in a discussion, you find yourself defending the legitimacy of Skyfall as a Bond film, in which you go so far as to list reasons why it is perhaps one of the best Bond films, the talks break down when you make the mistake of mentioning the now-defunct Stephen King Dark Tower film adaptation. The impetus of the Dark Tower entering the conversation was your reaction to seeing two actors working side-by-side who were rumored to be considered for the role of Roland Deschain, The Gunslinger, at various times.
The final insult was when he refused to believe you (as he will not read the series, though you have and love each book) as to why Javier Bardem’s Spanish accent doesn’t fit the role of Deschain (the content of Wizard and Glass serving as that reason, in your opinion), and he kept calling the series’ protagonist by a long list of incorrect names just to annoy you even though you had said “The Gunslinger” at least six times.
It was a then that you realized that you react the same way to people making negative comments about The Dark Tower series, when they haven’t even read any of the books, as Marty McFly reacts to being called a chicken in the Back to the Future films
When a person familiar with your reading habits recently stubbed their toe on a piece of furniture in your presence, uttering a curse in reaction to the pain, you respond by saying, “Ya know, ‘pain rises, from the heart to the head.’”
They then reply, “Let me guess, that’s another Dark Tower quote, right?”
You answer, “Good guess.”
In an alternate universe, J.K. Rowling partners with Stephen King to write a Harry Potter novel in which it is revealed that the recently defeated Lord Voldemort was a servant of the Crimson King. When low men in the Crimson King’s employ begin using muggles to hunt down and capture magically-inclined people, the American counterpart to Hogwart’s summons forth a ka-tet of gunslingers, led by Cuthbert Allgood via his death at the Battle of Jericho Hill, from another level of the Tower to do away with these villains.
Through the course of the story, Randall Flagg is unmasked as having assumed the form of the American “defense against the dark arts” instructor, and Harry Potter himself turns out to be the villain directing these abductions as the Crimson King possessed his body using a glass from the Wizard’s Rainbow, capable of facilitating possession. The novel ends with Cuthbert Allgood killing Harry Potter, who is then resurrected by the Wizard Maerlyn who has left the solitude of his cave on another level of the Tower long enough to save Potter and place him as the new head of Hogwart’s before returning with Cuthbert to the magic school’s American counterpart. Cuthbert is then sent to New York where he gets a job as the head of security and black bag operations for the Tet Corporation.
Because you have been reading the Dark Tower books for a second time, you have had to force yourself (on several occasions) to not speak to people at your workplace in the diction of Mid-World in order to prevent possible awkwardness and conversational embarrassment. However, close friends and family have been getting plenty of text messages with phrases like, “Thankee-sai” and “The world won’t move on tomorrow.”
While most of those chosen few have endured your Dark Tower palaver with mild amusement, you did actually provide manage to impress a friend by responding to the terrifying spectacle of witnessing a Red-tailed Hawk shaking off its slow-speed windshield collision with a nearby car on an access road and then flying away, with the following Dark Tower quote from The Gunslinger:
“The hawk does not fear you, boy, and the hawk never will. The hawk is God’s gunslinger.”
Long days and pleasant nights, avid reader!
While, I won’t go so far as to say that I’ve forgotten the face of my father, I cry your pardon for this overdue post. Relatives from New York (not so fast, sai… they’re from this when, I say thankee) and more family from across the pond required my attention this past Saturday. Though time is a face on the water, time does move but one way on this level of the Tower, so I was forced to make the hard choice to provide two extra posts on this day in order to honor our khef. Ya ken khef, I hope… ’tis the sharing of water (or in our case, nerdy ideas).
So, behold, my ka-tet of readers… two more posts shall follow this one, by watch and by warrant.
May your days be long upon the earth!
– Brandon, Proprietor and “would-be” Wordslinger
Someone catches you singing a song under your breath and asks, “Are you singing Addicted to Love?” You then explain that you were actually singing a Dark Tower-inspired parody song you thought up (but have yet to complete) called Addicted to Lud.
Your fondness for the Dark Tower books has led you to promise yourself that if you ever start a company you will investigate the possibility of naming it the Tet Corporation or North Central Positronics.
You are contacted by a telemarketer, who is attempting to sell you a service you do not want or need. When they refuse to take “No” for an answer, you decide it would be funny to speak to them in the parlance of a Mid-World resident from the Dark Tower book series.
You then say the following statement, which causes the telemarketer to become very confused and you then hang up: “By the Turtle, I said no thankee-sai! Life for your crop!”
The following Dark Tower book series phrases are just a few among many, which are now part of your lexicon of conversational tools:
2) “I cry your pardon.”
3) “I’d set my watch and warrant on it.”
4) “I wot.”
5) “Ka is like a wheel.”
On a recent trip, you chose to answer your friend’s question, “Where are you now?” with the following Dark Tower reference as a response:
“I think this must be the Barony of Mejis. Maybe there is a saloon around here with a Watch Me game I can join.”
In all the recent trips taken by those whom you know, you find it disappointing that no one is going to travel southeast because it has prevented you from making a Dark Tower reference by saying, “Oh, you’re following the path of the Path of the Beam.”
In the course of a single, casual conversation with a fellow science fiction fan, you employed the use of words and phrases from multiple science fiction and fantasy franchises. This included: several words in Klingon, two phrases from Farscape, words specific to Firefly, and several phrases from Stephen King’s Dark Tower series.
Furthermore, you made a point of being the one to utilize references to the Dark Tower because the individual to whom you were speaking stubbornly refuses to read those books. Normally, you wouldn’t mind, but that person is basing their decision entirely on the basis of reading a Wikipedia synopsis of the books, which led to the misguided declaration that they seem “uninteresting.”
Therefore, you get a bit of selfish pleasure when you accuse your compatriot of forgetting the face of their father, and you hear, “What are you talking about?”
Each semester of school, you set aside a selection of books to be read only upon successful completion of that term’s course load. Among the books in this semester’s self-imposed incentive program are: a nonfiction history book by Sarah Vowell, several works by renowned science fiction author Gene Wolfe, and the latest of Stephen King’s Dark Tower books.
Because of your affinity for Stephen King’s Dark Tower series, you say, “Thankee sai,” on a regular basis, especially in flirtatious situations with members of the opposite sex.
The main reason you watch the Syfy original series Haven is to catch Stephen King multiverse Easter eggs (hidden references), secretly hoping for as many Dark Tower references as possible. You also think the shows’ chosen depiction of Pennywise the Dancing Clown in his brief appearance was rather lame and disappointing.
Stephen King, who didn’t even know The Stand was going to be filmed until he read about it on the interweb, tells Entertainment Weekly his thoughts on the upcoming project.
Word on the interweb is that Stephen King’s The Stand is in development to hit movie theaters, folks.
That both excites and frightens us at Nerd Odyssey, though the fear is largely based on not yet knowing if the adaptation of King’s novel of over 1,0000 pages will be divided into multiple films or truncated into one film. Can you guess which scenario we prefer?